imaginedsoldier:

Pay careful attention to the kinds of extra things people do “for” you. If someone gets you little surprise gifts but consistently doesn’t do the things you explicitly ask for, take note of that.

I’ve had friends, family members, and partners who would get me little surprises, try to engage me in conversation about the things they think I like, or done otherwise evidently “considerate” things, but consistently did not do the things I explicitly asked of them. If I ask you to clean up after yourself in a common area and you get me a cupcake instead, you’re not actually doing anything nice for me. You’ve elected to do a different thing that is easier for you. What’s insidious is that it is difficult to address this without looking ungrateful. These people are doing things for their own satisfaction, not for your well-being.

At the end of the day, interpersonal relationships are about collaborating and observing what others have asked you to help them with. You don’t pass a class by only doing extra credit, but never turning in homework. You can’t survive on cupcakes alone. Relationships cannot thrive on empty niceties.