Aries: The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus: You will never find true happiness – what you gonna do, cry about it? The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini: Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancée hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer: The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver’s test.
Leo: Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss’s face, oh no. Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo: All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent – except for you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled upon a stick.
Libra: A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio: Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius: All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them). Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you’ve got hanging in your den.
Capricorn: The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they’re lying. If I were you, I’d lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again.
Aquarius: There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day.
Pisces: Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus. You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say.
“But then Ocasio-Cortez spoke, followed by Bush, and I saw something
truly terrifying. I saw just how easy it would be, were I less involved
and less certain of our nation’s founding and its history, to fall for
the populist lines they were shouting from that stage.
I saw how easy it would be, as a parent, to accept the idea that my children deserve healthcare and education.
I
saw how easy it would be, as someone who has struggled to make ends
meet, to accept the idea that a “living wage” was a human right.
Above
all, I saw how easy it would be to accept the notion that it was the
government’s job to make sure that those things were provided.”
You guys, the Daily Caller just published the funniest thing I have ever read in my entire life. It is literally an article where a conservative is just terrified to death that they nearly felt empathy and love.
This article is like the biggest proof I have ever read that conservatives are just pathologically afraid of kindness.
There’s… not even a punchline. Like, the article concludes just a few lines after the quoted section, with no suggestion for why anyone SHOULDN’T support things like universal healthcare. Not even a token “but, you know, the money,” or “but you have to EARN it.” It just ends.
I guess the audience is expected to fill in the blanks? Like “gosh, I almost cared about an unrelated human being, but CLEARLY the very concept is absurd.” Which is… pretty sad, honestly.
I’m telling you, at least according to this article, it is literally just terrifying to think that your kids deserve healthcare and education.
That’s literally it. There isn’t anything else.
“I saw how easy it would be, as a parent, to accept the idea that my children deserve healthcare and education“ is one fucking hell of a sentence, really.
hey, archive that shit. don’t give the Daily Caller clicks. what the fuck
Me 